I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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