i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
