what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
