I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch