the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.