Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?