i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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