You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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