Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
