I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
