The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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