I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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