i would punch a child for taco bell
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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