I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
