I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
