There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
