so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
