drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
