where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I need to calm my uterus...
I have already put on my inside pants.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
