u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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