i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
