Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
