i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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