ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
