Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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