I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
