next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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