just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
