we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
