We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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