Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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