She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
