the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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