I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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