The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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