Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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