There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
