i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
