I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Rumble strips road head = magical
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
