Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
