9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
