Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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