Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
