I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
