The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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