The maid of honor just puked.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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