Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
