What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
