I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
