I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
