After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
