You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
