come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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