hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
