Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
