So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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