yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
