I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
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You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
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I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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