I murdered the dance floor call the cops
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
