I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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