Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
